Remembering AD INFINITUM: The Scribblers Memoirs!

"looked back at last year's Recognition when Randolph J. Dollisen and Frankie Toledo were not given the Journalism Award which they so deserve." - Jude Buot

It's ok, Sir Jude. For we deeply know in our hearts that what we had accomplished as a TEAM deserves more than a recognition. You know, for a fact, that it took us almost everything we could imagine just to keep AD INFINITUM going.. From budget constraints down to the simple gathering of articles, you and Maam Phoebe were there to aid us all the way.

We are the so called “pioneers” for this venture. I miss dealing opportunities like how to publish our paper, how to get money for it and so on. What saddens my hearts is that the group is not that active anymore. No efforts coming from the executive council (CSM-EC). If only I am still in position, somehow I could help the group manage.

I, personally, am not after recognition or awards. All we wanted was to be heard and to tell everyone that we, CSM Pipz, have some stored talents in writing as well. That our minds are not only set for propagating simple equations to make it more complex or the other way around. CSM has skills in writing as well.

Looking back, I say, I find it very fulfilling that despite all the adversities that the group had faced, we had still managed to keep A.I for at most 3 Years. I had been a writer once, an editor and then, lastly, I had been an EIC. I am very happy to have work with you all. Those memories are truly PRICELESS!...

THANK YOU Sir Jude & Ma’am Phoebe for all the patience and expertise you had shared with us – scribblers (that’s how we use to call ourselves)! I miss you both, super! To Randolph Dollisen, you had always been my idol. I was a follower to your creative works. Thank you for being so kind and for being so persistent in reaching our goal, as a group. I also would like to commend Kuya MARK from the Chemistry Department - the first EIC. I will never forget you.. Our times we spent negotiating at DSA just for us to gain financial assistance and to luckily publish our own publication. Those were the times.. Yeah! That one! That's what motivates A.I! Huhuhu.. I wish other people could, at least, somehow recall our efforts in putting up all these..

I MISS WRITING SO BADLY! I can attest that I am a lot more confident in writing than in speaking. I just don’t know. Maybe, there are really people who share the same sentiments as I do. I am still not that “great” in this field but slowly, I will be able to get there. Things do improve with time.. Someday I will prove my worth.. Hehehe.. Thanks Sir Jude for recollecting all these memories... It is very touching.. It is nice to know that there are still people who still REMEMBER! Thank you so much. This is too much of a recognition already. c".b

THE PRAIRIE OF BROKEN SMILES

He had me at first glance. His smile is like an open door, inviting me to come closer. I step into the meadows of my imagination. There, I saw him again. In the middle of the plains where tulips used to flourish. I wandered further. I hurried myself to be near him. I was in complete euphoria with him.

Then all of a sudden, darkness walloped from elsewhere. I felt terribly strange from the inside. I was not moving a muscle - I stood in great HORROR. I, then, soon realized that he was rapidly slipping away from me. Far, far away that I could hardly distinguish him in sight.

There goes that smile again. Oh man, I prayed that it was his. I was wrong. All I saw was death’s frightening grin. Death stabbed and reaped me apart, first hand. Now I am doomed. I drooped in anguish. For a moment, I got myself believing that it was real. But NO! It never was. (~,~)

A STORY TO TELL

Life is, by chance, a series of unprecedented events. At times, we bump into several unknown people as we toggle along our way to everyday living. Most often than not, we tend to hurry up to places where we opt to fritter the rest of our day with. Hurrying like there’s no tomorrow. Little did we gave ourselves a chance to slack off a bit, learn to acknowledge the beauty that surrounds us and just be joyous with what is happening. This faction of individuals whom we met by chance, day by day, also has their own story to share. You, Me – WE had stories to tell. Stories that others may think as just a waste of time. They can call it whatever they like but one thing is for sure. They should not feed up any bit of conceitedness for these are the exact same people who, in one way or another, will help prove the worth of our being.

I had always been as poignant as I am right now. Flamboyant as others may say. This might be due to the fact that I, sort of, feel...(uhm)... left out. Living a solitary life was never an easy task. I may be endowed with so many other individuals (my cousins, my friends and the like) but none of them is close enough to my heart. Of course, I had my mum and God, who comes in as two of my top most priorities. But other than that, I don’t have someone to brag with. For over 5 years now, I had managed to isolate myself with things that would gobble up much of my time. I had experienced what it’s like to be an editor, a singer and an ec-officer. I am not saying that I had regrets being in the industry. Believe me, I do not. I had worked hard so much just to peg my way up to where I am right now. In fact, I consider this as an achievement. I am not that really unfortunate in life. I just so happen to be emotionally unstable from all these frets. This is my drawback.

I wanted to have a happy and simple life. I wanted to be with someone whom I can easily turn to when everything seems to fall apart. To share my most happy and most sad thoughts with. Finally, to find someone that I can call my own. Ever since this futility had sprung out, I had constantly developed an alternate ego. I used to be happy having so many friends. So happy, indeed, that I almost forgot that I only needed one to go on further with life. I admit that I had wandered off a bit but now I am back on track. Since then, all appears to be like a seemingly-endless roller coaster ride. I am burned out already. I am lost elsewhere and I am in need of help.

Others say that I should go around about it, focus on stabilizing my career and blah, blah. Focus on things other than this old nonsense. I did. All my life, I walloped with such verbosity. It may not be that severe to some, but to call it nonsense is a blasphemy. I am not quite sure with what actions to take just to address this concern. But nonetheless, I am definitely NOT buying the “oh-god-please-take-my-life” act. I will still continue to ponder with every bit of hope that’s left.

Everyone needs someone, you know. Someone to help us remind that we are only human. That we need one another so as not to be lonely in this life. Happiness - that's the keyword. We can always make other people happy but what about us? What about our own happiness? These are some of the questions I resent to answer for I do not know exactly what to say. I can always pretend that I am alright. I can because I am one of those few good posers. What a life. I am a total wreck. I tried manipulating things but it did not work out. The system cannot provide everything for me. I will always be like this not unless someone breaks the cycle. I do not know what the future holds for me but all of these will forever linger in my memory.

As daunting as this may seem, this had been one of the many reasons why I am who I am, right now. I may be apart from what they tagged to as normal people but I am still human. I may be different but I have feelings too. Admittance to this certain weakness is one tough act to follow. Admitting that you’re weak does not make you less of a person. I am what I am. I am transparent. I am honest with what I feel. I hope other people would experience what if feels like to be one of us. They will never understand us not unless they know how to share the pain. I know I will have my time, soon. I am still not closing the book – my story doesn't end here. As long as there is love, there is hope. It is but one hope, one chance then another.

My name is Frankie. You can also call me Frank. I am gay and I am proud to be one. This is my so called loneliness. This is my story.